UNTITLED !!

People say I’m the life of the party,
‘Cause I tell a joke or two.
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty,
Deep inside I’m blue.
So take a good look at my face,
You’ll see my smile looks out of place.
If you look closer, it’s easy to trace,
The tracks of my tears.

LOST

No shore ahead

I started a blog once long ago & today I came across this fabulous writer & after a while of wandering I realized it was me !!  & now I don’t even know what to say ?

I write when I’m bored !

“Do you like your coffee black or white ?”
do you ever get the feeling when every vein of your body dries up to painful thirst
when every nerve in your body screams for everything to end
the air grows tight around you 
it starts suffocating you 
you feel no love no regret no remorse just this empty dead feeling inside
nothing in this world matters then 
you stand at the edge of an abyss waiting to plunge…. to take a leap in faith
your fierceness your determination frightens you and you realize how close you are to insanity

 “Black please”
black its a wonder how many shades a color can have … how all of them mix together to give it its majesty.
“sugar or no sugar ma’am”
how people are clueless ? are they really that blind … can’t she see the fight I’m having with myself, with my conscience and insanity ?
can’t she see how hard I’m trying to reason with myself …. 
“no sugar”
this waitress, she is standing being oblivious to ticking time bomb I’m ! But then again the ignorance saves her, if she only knew that i was a killer, i killed my mother’s dreams. I’m a fraud, i cheated my dad’s expectations. I’m a liar, a selfish, ego centric beast…but still I’m not that bad am I ?

“would you like cream with it ?”
Haha cream its a delicacy it’s very much like life…. a little overheated and its gets burnt just like mine
“no !! no cream…”
i hate things which are soft and delicate like i use to be
“as you wish ma’am”
as i wish ?
oh really someone finally in this world cares about my desires
 i look at her she’d be a year younger than me her sparkling black eyes, her cheaply dyed brown curls, her strawberry soap fragrance and her neatly pressed uniform her name tag says her name Cynthia

“Cynthia ? right”
“um yes ma’am Cynthia with a “c” ”
she says with a bright smile
she’s hoping for a tip and she defiantly is in for a treat !
“well Cynthia how would you like to DIE ?”
It took her a moment to realize what I’ve said, an expression of pure shock crossed her eyes
 “Bulls eye”
“um excuse me ?”
she’s calculating her options of escape
too much tv these days
she never even considers the option of me being insane 
she just instantly jumped to conclusion of me being a serial killer or a vampire.
pathetic !!!
“well you heard me Cynthia with a “c”
how would you like to die
a simple death in your sleep, by an accident
or by being staked ?”
 She swallows hard
her breathing increases by every passing second
looks like I’ve given her a real fright a scare Hahaha
she makes for the counter in a hurry to escape whatever evil I’ve planned for her
“Cynthia ?”
she comes to a halt
she’s terrified, She slowly turns to look at me her hands shaking along with the memo she’s holding
“bring the bill… !!!”

Evil Eye !

When it comes to the human head, no feature has quite the reputation for villainy as the old hairy eyeball.

We don’t refer to the murderous mouth, the nasty nostril or the baleful ear. Oh, the tongue may lash, but its bark is worse than its bite. True terror resides in the eye.

It has always been this way, or at least as close to always as we can tell. The theme of the Evil Eye runs deep and wide in human history. Universally it describes a look inspired by maliciousness or jealousy. Also universally it is blamed for causing everything from garden-variety bad luck to toothaches, headaches, disease and death.

Why the eye?

 “Staring is a way of asserting one’s dominance and of expressing interest in another person,” says Ohio State University psychologist Gerald Winer. “It can be viewed as an intrusion. And it’s a short step from casting a glance to casting a spell.”

You must be wondering why I am suddenly interested in all this “evil eye” business ? Well I was just sorting out somethings when I stumbled upon an old pendent …. an evil eye. I got it from an old aunt. 2 years ago I went to Hyderabad with my father on his business trip. We were invited to a dinner by one of his friends. As my father is too protective to leave me at the hotel room alone, he took me with him. At their house I was met by a huge family. They greeted us & I earned the most stares especially by all the old aunts, who mumbled things in sindhi like “ooww! she is a fair youth” & “Her dark hair shines with warmth of sun”(My sindhi is not that good, she said something relating to my hair , the sun & the sunlight, I made up the sentence)  & ” She is not wearing any mascara or kajal — Oh God! save her “. As I was busy deciphering their mumbles an old women came to me, she took some kajal from her eye & placed a little dot on the base of my wrist. Oh God !!! I was so paranoid. When we were about to leave she gave me a bracelet woven in black thread, it had a blue stone in the center. Later I found out it was Lapis Lazuli which is suppose to protect you from evil eye.

I don’t know whether to believe it or not but she believed it as she advised me never to take it off, I took it off & lost it soon after that 😉

Last year in college !

Another year….

I’ve never been one of those school loving types, frankly I go to school cuz I dont have anything better to do…. A girl can get tired of sleeping & TV , can’t she ? so to avoid boredom to death I find my escape to school ! What ??? everyone has his reasons 🙂

I’ve survived over the last 11 years of school & college  (Oh in Pakistan high school is from 6th to 10th grade & college starts at 11th grade) & believe me I’ve lived as a legend cuz I’m one of those you know high-scorers type & the teachers’ eye candy & oh also the one who bore all the punishments a.k.a the only alive & colourful person in a group of yes-ma’m-saying zombies in a not-so-horrible-graveyard a.k.a a class …. My over all “experience” of torture in the name of education, was hilarious but come on !!! 9 years minus a score ( a score is equal to 20 years — 20years-9years = 11 years ;p) are enough. I’d say they are more then enough… huh !!! ok ok Who am I to criticise our academic curriculum ? Honestly I don’t know what would happen if every one followed my rules—- oh I know A WORLD WIDE DISASTER !!! & we dont want that, do we ? ( o & this is for all those who wanted me to be their class president, bad idea mates “careful what you wish for ?”)

My classes are starting from monday & I haven’t even bought the uniform yet haha !!! talk about being laaazzzzyy

… but this year its not like the other years… its the last year of college ! the last year with my friends ! this is where my care-free, lunatic teenage life will end !!! cuz personally I don’t think my such care-free attitude will be tolerated in a hospital (cuz I’m planning to be a doctor InshaAllah) & I don’t want to ‘frighten’ my patients or bring a disgrace on  the serious name of doctors!…

Its strange how time flies …  before I know it this year will be over… & eventually I’ll forget all about it !!!

A night in the forest !!!(8th july)

I turned around to make sure that I was all alone, not that I was glad about being alone but on a damp dark night, in a thick forest, if you came alone its better that you stay that way. It was really dark & the frenzatic wet smell was lulling me to my unconsciousness… My favorite sneekers were covered in mud & everything from my hair to jeans were giving me a damp feel…

Oh God !!! Why do I always end up in such huge messes ?

Oh yea ! now the question arises how did I get here ? relax I am no crazy lunatic goth who loves wandering in the dark… I have a rational explanation for this whole situation & me getting stuck here ! My car broke down … just this simple 5 word explanation got me in such terrifying scene. I was on my way to home from my aunt’s house (who really drives me nuts) despite my parents warnings to stay where I was I left their house at about 7:00… I thought my killer driving speed will get me home before 9:30 but I think now its half past midnight & I am rambling in this horror movie set ALONE !!! Oh where is that damn prince charming when you need him ? huh !!!

It’s not that I am lost or anything but I am pretty sure I crossed this tree before. OK !!! now the question that raises his question mark is … Even if my car broke down what the hell am I doing in a forest, it’s not like you drive a car through woods… Hey !!! before you even go there I am a very good driver though I don’t have my licence yet but it’s totally not my fault cuz here where I live you have to be 18 or so to get authorized but whats my fault if I am a born driver… Anyway my car  gave up on me on a highway which happens to be going cross through these woods & as if I wasn’t in enough trouble my cell fone’s signal bar just went blank … like that !!! & when I got out of the car I slipped & ended up in this pit or whatever its called & now I am wandering lonely with my cell in my hands, like a crazy scientist who trys to establish connection with aliens, searching for signals…

Aahaa !!! got one bar… after doing my victory dance as the realization came to me… who the hell am I gonna call ??? My parents are out of question, my biggest enemy right now & if my dad found out that their angelic daughter is having fun in the woods especially at this time he is definitely going to get 3000 heart attacks all together & then he will recover & I’ll be dead…. so no calling dad ! ok now who else can I call, oh yea my cousin (my aunt’s son from whom I flee from just a few hours back )….. NEVER !!! but what choice do I have … zaroorat k waqt pr tou gadhe ko bhi bap banana prta hai na, so calling gadha ….

tooooooont …. toooont… tooon (thanks God I dont have to listen to any silly dial-tunes )

Him:helloo !!!

 me: umm hey !

Him: sup ??? (ok he definitely doesn’t know that I am off wandering……… cool )

me: listen I need your help ?

him : hm-mmm … (not cute)

me: (after telling the whole story) …

him: …. What the… ??? are you crazy & then bla bla bla

me: ( Tell-me tell-me tell-me something I dont know ?) so are you coming to get me or should I book a limousine ???

him: you crazy girl !!! you have no idea how much danger you have gotten yourself into ? you know how selfish & vile people are ??? (hain… ???)

me: I don’t know about people but the only threat I feel right now are the creepy crawlies … the centipede & the

 millipede & right now I see a green millipede who has its googly eyes on me so…. you better hurry !!! (engine roaring !!!)

him: I am on my way … try to trace you footsteps back from where you came from !!!

me: If you are coming … would you mind stopping at the Macdonald… I am sort of hungry after all the walking & screaming… ok bring Mc-crispy burger, large french fries, diet coke … umm… chocolate mc-flurry umm….

him: tumari barrat bhi saat leta hoa na aon ??? (really angry)

me: (ik tou meri shadi ki sab ko kyn pri rehati hai ?) ok ok drop the Mc-flurry… (yes I know I am  very… ;p)

& han jaldi aoo warna I am marrying that (gross) cute caterpillar !!! (yakh I can’t believe I said that !)

him: huff !!! (ok… enough torture… bulke naaawww what the heck ?) aren’t you scared ?

me: Scared !!! me ??? what… !!! No… (why should I be scared it’s not like I am in a wild forest alone ? )

him: stay with me on fone… if a wild animal eats you before I get there I wanna hear your screams so I could turn back  ( Screw you !!!)

…trying to trace back where I came from … I finally got there… I can see the headlights of my car… after some 2000 years my cousin despite my mocking finally reached to rescue me !!!

As I sat silently beside him in the passenger seat listening to his timely lectures, I realized something that I really did have a trilling adventure … one of my best experiences ever !!!

Oh !!! when I finally reached home(his not mine) I was greeted by my family & his !!! like the old hindi movie style … amma roti hoi ai … meri beti !!! (what ??? can’t a girl dream… ok here is what really happened:

Things did fall upon my expectations… & whatever happened after that … you could probably guess !!! ….. but me !!! I had fun that night & still despite the scolding & threats by my parents & cousin I am still damn sure about going on any such adventure in future ( oh I hope Mom doesn’t read this )

han han pta hai mai bht wo0o hon 😉

“Facade —– My Subsistence”

I can see her ….

She is wearing a dark blue dress that complements her dark brown eyes. There is nothing naive about her. She seems like a predator, cunning & sharp, ready to grab her tired prey at any instant. Her scarlet streaks fading  and dissolving in her dark brownish red hair seems just impossible to ignore. She is a lady of power. She has the power to control. Her face it’s so composed, every curve of it inviting you in, compelling you to follow her every command. The depth of her chocolate honey eyes wearing a superficial demeanour. Ahaa !!! I see it now, a vibrant ray of hope in her egocentric features & its source… It’s in her eyes, a flicker of dwindling flame of life… & than it’s completely gone, her wildness tamed, her hope vanished, now she again wears that same expression of charming dour as when I first saw her.

                            The cruelty rings from her whole existence, there is nothing humane about her. She is a beast despite her outward beauty, she is whom she is. A merciless selfish creature drenched in brutality. She has long forgotten how soft life was, now she is as hard as stone. She is a woman of motive, ready to do whatever it takes to get her way.

                          Oh thank God ! I am nothing like her. I am not selfish, self-centered or cruel. My heart still beats in its soft comforting rhythm. My face though is heart-shaped same as hers. My eyes & hair are same as hers, dark brown. But my soul is still pure unlike her who is soul less. I still have the flame of life shinning in my eyes. I must see my reflection to assure myself that I’m still alive , that I’m still me.

             The old antique foot long mirror, ahhh !! It’s there, right in front of me. Oh thank God ! I am me, I can never be like the girl whose image stands in front of …. It’s a mirror that must mean what I  am seeing is —  It’s a mirror image of —– ME !!!

            What have I become ? I am like a dead corpse, no sign of my innocence. Nothing close to love exists in my existence. I love only for my motives. I have become a selfish, mean, egoistic beast…. a predator, because I can even kill to get what I want.

                Who made me like this ? who drew my soul from my body ? Tears glittering like first drops of rain in the drought fall on my cheeks. It was me who made me like this ! Who else can I blame ? but what I did was to survive, to survive in this cruel arduous time. I did nothing wrong. My tears like first drops of rain fall & dry on the barren soil of my existence. I did nothing wrong.

I put on my facade again…. this is who I am now !!! The old, soft, polite, loving me has been devoured in my strong, hard, cruel, new self.

                            I can see her….. the slight streak of my old self. She flashes lightly & then fades away forever.

Forever alive !!!

On the grey dusty old tomb stone,covered by growing ivy wines, engraved with immortality the words yet remain….       “I’ve found a way to live forever”  The phoenix of irony just spreads its wings but dies its unfortunate death, as the lady whose bones remain buried here, never actually died ! Though her lifeless bones decay in her eternal grave… Yes ! She, who had none undying power, still remains, alive & with all her grace, still praised by every eye who saw, every mind who heard.  She is an inspiration for many lost souls & a sedative for many disturbed hearts. Her never fading beauty, her wild innocence, her breath taking charm, her dark eyes glittering with flame of life, every curve of her bronze body, the cascade like fall of her brown hair …. all remain in  the form of her words.  Souls fade, Beings abate,  Existence dwindles,  But the words once said,  always remain.      Yes, that lady did die when the death angle knocked on her door. But yet, she is alive in the form of her words, her writings still keep her above ground. The tunes she played like a piper, on which her words danced, still amuses the readers. The wordy cascade flowing from her pen, still quenches the thirst of many readers.  The mind of all beings is the same though, thoughts are different. Our thoughts form our discrete personality. This notion raises or worsen our standards. People search for “fountain of youth” to live forever , though they just have to pour  some of their hearts on paper  to attain immortality.  This woman with her paradoxical notion about eternal life, still remains in the hearts of her readers. She has attained immortality in her own fallacy.   I wish to live forever in the same way. My world its frozen like ice because I wish it this way. My words remain dead frozen but they will keep me alive after I’m gone !!!

My Journey to Life !!!

When i’ll be long gone
and only partly remained,
the birds will be singing
as they knew me by name,

as i’ll be lying calmly in eternal bed,
the morning sun will be sowing new born seeds,
from where beautiful tomorrows will breed,
and a new day will start glittering bright
& i’ll be frozen in a lonely dark night …

The ancient buildings buried,
New’ll be constructed on the ruins,
The ocean water will rain to spring,
The sheded leaves will be grown again,
The fresh life will began,

So when the morning flame greets you, There my shadow will be,
And if you are unsure of its company,
Just know that its me,

Send me away with a farewell,
Dont look behind,
The time once gone never rewinds.
Just say one last goodbye,
& i’ll know now its safe to die !!!

I’ll go where my death leads me,
Where ever it is, its for eternity !!!
I ‘ll be alive with all the bliss
As I was never at the time
when people said I lived !!!

mY waY t0 tHe daRk !!!

I’ve lost the Truth
can’t find the Light
there’s only Darkness by my side

The Shadows seep
into my soul bringing
me shades and
making me whole

An empty wholeness
so incomplete
an aching scar a pain so sweet

Come Darkness take my hand
and guide me to your
Promised Land !!!